Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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