im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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