So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
