nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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