You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
