Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
