My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
