I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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