Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
