Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
