The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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