oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
