Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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