I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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