so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
