i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
