you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
