My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just invented taco cereal.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
