At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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