Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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