so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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