i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
