The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
