I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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