i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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