I wannas sexs uuuuu
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize