so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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