So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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