I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
