so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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