I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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