pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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