Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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