WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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