ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
