Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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