Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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