so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it's like heaven, but drunker
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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