i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize