i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
