I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize