I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
