Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
