drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
