I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
