My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize