Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
