I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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