It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
