There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
How does one acquire holy water?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
