I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
