I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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