Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
