The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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