Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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