i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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