Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Found the puke drawer
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
