It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I want to fling myself into the sun
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
