whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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