I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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