Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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