Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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