help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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