The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
