if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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