At least make sure they are 18
Why
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
